MONKEYBLOG!!

That’s right. Pick your jaw off the floor and behold the glory. Not only can the monkey type, but the monkey has got opinions.

First, let me say that since my return from deep space, the boys and girls at NASA have been really wonderful about kissing my butt. They’re sooooo sorry they shot me into space and then lost track of the module. I don’t even know what happened back then in ’68 — I wasn’t exactly a sentient brainchild at the time. But I guess leaving Earth’s orbit and getting sucked through a wormhole was the best thing that could have happened to me. It made me who I am today. Well, that, and the benevolent alien scientists who found me. The Helorans are sweet guys. Great attitudes for a people that lost their planet and just wander the universe in a floating city. If that was me, I’d be pissed off a lot. And shoot things.

But since the Helorans prize intellect above all else, they saw fit to take me in and… “upgrade” my intelligence. This evolution-boosting reverse-lobotomy was engineered on me, as well as a handful of other NASA animals who never made it back. Now these sentient animal homies roll with ME, as my crew. I’ll let some of them get on the ol’ laptop once in a while and post something here. But this is mainly for me to get my own words out. To set the story straight. Because I don’t care what you read in the press, I’m the victim. I’M THE ONE who was FIRED INTO SPACE!

So my table manners aren’t the best. So I threw a banana at the president. So I tried to bite a kid. BIG DEAL. It’s been a while since I was expected to behave.

You wanna know more about me? Stay tuned. You don’t? Shut your face and go watch TMZ, you neanderthals.

Hello, citizens of Earth. As First Mate on Captain Cosmonkey’s ship and Right Hand Dog to the monkey himself, let me say thank you for agreeing to let us return to your fair planet and for settling on an amicable agreement between our “terrestrially challenged” group and your governments. I would also like to take my blogging space to apologize for any and all posts made by our good Captain, here and in the future. He tends to type first and think later. Any views expressed by the Captain must be taken as those of a mind rattled by what I would like to call “Space Madness” until another appropriate medical term can be agreed upon. The Captain is a passionate and aggressive commander, and one who is not accustomed to your social graces. He is hyper-intelligent by most standards, but he is also very much a monkey, with the blood of his primitive ancestors coursing through his veins. Any complaints you may have about Captain Cosmonkey’s actions or statements can be directed to me, and I will do my best to address your concerns.

And after the infamous moments on the red carpet of the Golden Globes, let me be clear that it was never anyone’s intention to give the Captain that much alcohol prior to our arrival, nor did we understand the commonly held rules about firearms dictated by your Earth society. The damages were paid for, and Dame Judy Dench is resting quite comfortably, I’m told. Our apologies to her and her entourage.