MONKEYBLOG!!

That’s right. Pick your jaw off the floor and behold the glory. Not only can the monkey type, but the monkey has got opinions.

First, let me say that since my return from deep space, the boys and girls at NASA have been really wonderful about kissing my butt. They’re sooooo sorry they shot me into space and then lost track of the module. I don’t even know what happened back then in ’68 — I wasn’t exactly a sentient brainchild at the time. But I guess leaving Earth’s orbit and getting sucked through a wormhole was the best thing that could have happened to me. It made me who I am today. Well, that, and the benevolent alien scientists who found me. The Helorans are sweet guys. Great attitudes for a people that lost their planet and just wander the universe in a floating city. If that was me, I’d be pissed off a lot. And shoot things.

But since the Helorans prize intellect above all else, they saw fit to take me in and… “upgrade” my intelligence. This evolution-boosting reverse-lobotomy was engineered on me, as well as a handful of other NASA animals who never made it back. Now these sentient animal homies roll with ME, as my crew. I’ll let some of them get on the ol’ laptop once in a while and post something here. But this is mainly for me to get my own words out. To set the story straight. Because I don’t care what you read in the press, I’m the victim. I’M THE ONE who was FIRED INTO SPACE!

So my table manners aren’t the best. So I threw a banana at the president. So I tried to bite a kid. BIG DEAL. It’s been a while since I was expected to behave.

You wanna know more about me? Stay tuned. You don’t? Shut your face and go watch TMZ, you neanderthals.

Hello, citizens of Earth. As First Mate on Captain Cosmonkey’s ship and Right Hand Dog to the monkey himself, let me say thank you for agreeing to let us return to your fair planet and for settling on an amicable agreement between our “terrestrially challenged” group and your governments. I would also like to take my blogging space to apologize for any and all posts made by our good Captain, here and in the future. He tends to type first and think later. Any views expressed by the Captain must be taken as those of a mind rattled by what I would like to call “Space Madness” until another appropriate medical term can be agreed upon. The Captain is a passionate and aggressive commander, and one who is not accustomed to your social graces. He is hyper-intelligent by most standards, but he is also very much a monkey, with the blood of his primitive ancestors coursing through his veins. Any complaints you may have about Captain Cosmonkey’s actions or statements can be directed to me, and I will do my best to address your concerns.

And after the infamous moments on the red carpet of the Golden Globes, let me be clear that it was never anyone’s intention to give the Captain that much alcohol prior to our arrival, nor did we understand the commonly held rules about firearms dictated by your Earth society. The damages were paid for, and Dame Judy Dench is resting quite comfortably, I’m told. Our apologies to her and her entourage.

Yo party people,

Since I got back to Earth, I’ve gazed at your culture, your art, and your technical achievements and frankly, I’ve been a little bored. Last time I was here, you guys were prepping rockets to the moon and teaching computers to play chess. I come back after a few decades expecting  to see some flying cars, holographic sports or at least robot butlers. But all you’ve really come up with is wi-fi and 300 more TV channels. What?? As a chimp who flies his own spaceship, I find that depressing. I keep reading about how proud you are of all the 3D movies. YOU HAD THOSE WHEN I LEFT! I don’t care if the glasses work better! And everyone wonders why I keep throwing bananas at the wall.

So in case you’re looking to EVOLVE and get on the Cosmonkey train, let me show you how to have a good time.

Sure, most of these hobbies are really dangerous. Sure, it helps to be a multi-millionaire. Sure, you’ll probably break a few laws. I’m only saying these things are FUN, not cheap, safe or sane. You can go to Chuck E. Cheese’s for that.

READ ON to feast your eyes on my TOP FIVE favorite ways to kill time.

1. ROCKET-POWERED ROLLER BLADING. This is easy to do and I can’t believe I’m the first one to think of it. First, get some Roller Blades. Second, get a rocket-powered jetpack. This can be hydrogen fueled or standard diesel. Disconnect the output limiter (these are the stupid gages the nerds installed to keep you from going as fast as you want). Then open that thing up and hit the highway. I still can’t get enough of the looks on the faces of drivers when I pass them. Boo-yah-shakka!!

2. BOUNCE HOUSE RACES. Rent a bounce house for you and each of your friends. Inflate them at the top of a very steep hill, or better yet, on the edge of a cliff face. Get a good running start and roll that think like a hamster wheel, and down you go! You get a bounce house rolling fast enough, you can almost float in the center of it. Get a friend to video tape this too — hilarious visuals of castle-vs.-Barbie house-vs.-giant gorilla. And these things are tougher than you think. You hit a person, a car, or even another house and you’ll probably roll right over them and keep going. Make sure you pee before you do this (a lesson I learned the hard way).

3. MILE-HIGH JET SKIING. For this one, you’ll want to buy or rent your own private jet, preferably with a tail exit. Get it up there going fast, then strap an inflatable pool lounge to your feet. Tie off a tow line inside the jet, then kick that exit open and WHOOSH, you’re skiing on air! If your arms get too tired, just cut the pool raft loose and have your robot pull you in. Oh yeah — for this one, it helps to have a robot.

4. GOLF COURSE DEMOLITION DERBY. Buy out a whole course for the day. Juice up all of their golf carts and then just smash the HEZ-ELL out of them! You might wrap chain link fencing around the open areas of the cart for protection. The great part of this derby is that everything is battery-powered, so your opponents can’t hear you coming! If you have a handy mechanic, I also recommend re-fitting the carts with bigger wheels. Then you get some Monster Cart action.

5. PAINT GUN POLLACKS. When you play paint gun in the house (and who doesn’t love that), tack canvases up on all the walls. When you’re done, stretch all that spattered mess on some frames and go sell them to some snobby types at a gallery. They love that crap! It makes your gun battles more challenging too. As you take out opponents, you start to consider color choice for your pellets, or what kind of composition you’re going for as you lay down suppressing fire. My favorite recent work actually included some body prints of my victims (sorry Gordo and Belka, but you guys make it too easy). And I’m sure you’re asking, “What do I do with the furniture when it’s caked in paint?” Throw it out and buy new stuff, dummy.

Now I realize that during these hard economic times, many of you are embracing the simpler pleasures of life — like “bicycles” or “picnics” or “books.” Insert YAWN here. I say go BIG or go home, and if you want big fun, you gotta spend the big cash. Cosmonkey OUT!